Monday, February 27, 2012

thankful

I'm so embarrassed at how long it's been since I last wrote. I think about my blog nearly every day, in a guilty, I'll-do-it-later kind of way. Even just writing this, I can feel how rusty I've gotten.

So a quick life update...and hopefully one day soon, a noveling update. (I have been writing, I promise - just not making it a priority like I should). I will apologize in advance for the happy-sappy vibe of this post. These kind of posts tend to annoy me in other bloggers but this time...it just can't be helped.

The main word I'd use to describe this year for me is thankful. Grateful. For one, Will finally started walking earlier this month. JB and I are beyond thrilled. It seems like we've been waiting so long for this, and I see it as his last major hurdle. He's 21 months old and has had an uphill battle with his motor skills his whole life, thanks to the brain hemorrhage he had sometime before he was born, and from being a preemie. But - and I know I sound like a sappy Mommy here; I can't help it - he continues to amaze me. After all he went through as an infant, he's completely healthy now, a funny, headstrong toddler who loves books and being outside and talking nonstop. I know what a blessing this is - so many preemie parents don't get to experience this - and I try not to take it for granted. Life is good.

And more big news...I'm pregnant! My FB and Twitter friends already know this, but I'm sharing today on the interwebs, in part because we just learned today that we're having another boy :) It's funny because my sister and I were super girly when we were growing up, and I've always been more of a girls' girl...the kind of person who naturally gravitates toward women. So I just always assumed I'd get to raise daughters - and of course, that could still be in my future. But all the same, I'm beyond excited about our new little boy, due to arrive in July.

I've prayed for a "boring" pregnancy ever since we found out I was pregnant last fall, and God has granted me that. Completely normal, boring pregnancy, with a little boy whose arms and legs are so long they're measuring a week ahead! I've never had a large baby before; what a novelty!

It has been fun and calming to experience about as stress-free of a pregnancy as you can get - I don't think I realized how abnormal and scary my last pregnancy was until these past few months. I can't say I'm one of those women who "enjoys" being pregnant, but I've been so happy this time around and, of course, so thankful.

I was thinking yesterday, while I sat in church, about how thankfulness can be a choice. I was thinking about the dark times in 2010 after Graham died, and in the weeks immediately afterward, how my Christian upbringing propped me up when I didn't know what else to do. I certainly didn't feel full of faith and hope, but I at least had habit to fall back on - if that makes sense. I didn't want to talk to God (except to tell him how mad I was) or read my Bible like I knew I should...I didn't even feel His presence like I thought I was supposed to. Although I didn't feel any of those things, I knew what I should be doing, and so I talked to Him anyway. And I thanked him for what I had, for Graham's life and for my family, even though I felt anything but thankful. I went through the motions, at least, because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't lose my faith, but I didn't feel surrounded by it, either.

The funny thing is - and I don't know exactly when this happened - I eventually began to actually feel thankful. It's like I had to make the choice first, and act it out, and then the feelings came later. Now, I can look back and see where God was propping me up the whole time, how He supported me with all the people he put in my life, and never left my side, even though He was hard to find. And I know that He never promised us an easy life, or that he would always answer all of our prayers with a "yes." At the time, I didn't have this kind of clarity - of course not, who would? But making the choice anyway, to trust when I couldn't feel, made all the difference.


Will & me at the park on my birthday last month. (Will refused to wear his viking hat on Halloween when it was part of his costume. Three months later? It's his new favorite thing.)

3 comments:

Victoria said...

I'm hugging you across town right now, just so you know. ;) Last night in my bible study, (one of Beth Moore's) she talked about prayer. As I kept reading this post, I kept thinking of things she said, mainly how prayer changes your heart and changes your passions. Nice timing for this post.

Irene Latham said...

AC! A new bundle of joy!!! SO VERY HAPPY FOR YOU. My boys are 12, 15, 17 now... you'll get your girl needs met in other places. :) And I couldn't agree more about thankfulness (and other feelings) being a choice. I'm discovering this on a daily basis. We are our own worst enemies sometimes... glad you are in a happy place and thrilled about your growing family. Also: you, writing. Do it!

CoopC said...

So happy for you A.C.!!! Will keep you guys in our prayers.

Casey